Do you farm out your status updates?

Lazy people are taking over the Earth. Too many take the path of least resistance, follow the pack, and turn off their minds. Hollywood does nothing but produce sequels to popular movie franchises and bring old TV shows to the big screen. Some days, I struggle to find people in the crowd who have an original idea or thought. It's disheartening.

Now, yet further evidence of the dumbing down of America is the Status Shuffle on Facebook. I don't know if it's because I'm a writer, but this application really gets my goat (if I had a goat, that is). Basically, the Status Shuffle is for those people who are too downright lazy to tell their friends what's up. The app gives you a variety of funny lines to choose from (see the one below and try not to blow soy milk out your nose), you select the one you like, and voila your wacky, templated, status update goes up on your wall and out to your friends.

Maybe the boring, the dimwitted, and the stupid need this kind of leg up to compete in the cutthroat world of status updates. I mean, how's Average Joe suppose to keep his online friends if he just tells them he had a great day golfing. Or, is Generic Jane really going to get Terrific Ted to accept her friend request if her last status update says "Took my dog to the new dog park today. Lots of nice people and doggies there!" Heck no! Jane and Joe are doomed without the canned wit of Status Shuffle, right?

Alright, I can already hear you all now. "It's just for fun, Amber. Lighten up." Yeah, yeah, I get that. I guess I just don't like it.

If my friend, Andy Accountant, is a bore, well, I expect that his update will be a snooze. I'm not expecting him to resort to Status Shuffle to make him the funny guy that he simply isn't. Go ahead and post a status update that says you got a new pocket protector today, Andy. That's the real you! Using the Status Shuffle update of "I hate mosquitoes!!! I mean, I know I'm delicious but damn..." is ridiculous.

I guess it boils down to being genuine. Yeah, it's just a fun app. Woo hoo! But, if you're in my online network, it's because I like you. You, just the way you are.

Now tell me how your day really was. I'd like to know...

Iz Americah alitarit?

Today is National Donut Day. I'd rather be writing about fried dough and sugary icing, but I'm ticked. Why? This week, illiteracy in America took a huge leap forward.

As a writer and communicator, I love words. The dictionary and thesaurus are two of my favorite books. I imagine many of you are fans of the written word, too. Well, some lunatics are actually protesting this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee. Apparently, they think we should all spell like simpletons (e.g. froot instead of fruit, hefer instead of heifer, slo instead of slow). They call it simplifying; I call it stupidity.

The nearly 300 children who made it to Washington D.C. this week to stand on stage at the National Spelling Bee are amazing. They have studied, learned the history behind all the root words, and taught themselves the complexities surrounding language.  Instead of honoring these kids with signs of support, these idiot protesters are passing out buttons that say, "Enuf is enuf. Enough is too much." Is it really so hard to learn how to spell a word properly? Get a word a day calendar, pick up a dictionary, read, educate yourself.

In an era of texting, people are becoming even lazier spellers, too. To me, a misspelled word in a professional context (not a typo, but an obviously misspelled word) is an immediate red flag. Heck, if the love of my life were to write me the most amazing love letter, but it was full of spelling errors, I'm afraid I'd have to kick him to the curb.

So, wise up, America! Love the English language, learn to use it, and teach yourself to spell properly. You don't have to be a spelling bee champ to know the difference between to, too, and two.

Needed: drunk frat boys to flush toilets

When you're a student in college, adding that first company to the ole' resume can be humbling. Will it be a job at Barney's Burger Hut? Or your dad's business, Joe's Gardening? Well, a few hundred kids in Pennsylvania will get to add the Pittsburgh Penguins as their first employer!

Now, the catch. The job with this National Hockey League (NHL) team isn't glamorous, but if you sell it right, it could be a great conversation starter in these students' future interviews. The job? Flushing a toilet. Yep, you read right. The Penguins new arena is almost ready to open, but the construction team needs to test the plumbing. Apparently, this can only be done properly if all the stadium's toilets are flushed at exactly the same time. That requires 400 flushers to man the potties and urinals, simultaneously.

Well, the toilet jockeys have now been selected and the "Student Flush" goes live on June 10. Two-hundred and fifty students (all of which must be at least 18 years old, since this is obviously no job for a kid!) will participate in the momentous occasion; the other 150 flushers will be highly-paid, professional, construction workers.

What was your first job in college? Does it beat being a part of the great flushapalooza?